She was mine

  Yesterday morning I decided to euthanize my dog. Within an hour of my decision, she was limp on the floor of the vet’s office. I kept grasping and ungrasping that thick roll of fur and fat that substituted for her neck. It was always a pre-meditated decision to pet Stitch. She shed obscenely in summer and she…

“no one needs to knoooowwwww”

I have a manila folder that, a year ago I scawled “BOOK REC.S” across, crumpled in my lap. I realize that in my slump of despair I’m resting my bosom on my accountant’s desk, and it is overflowing it’s pretty push-up bra into the v neck of my blouse. Bless his studied eye contact. I…

How to Cover Your Shame

      I don’t even know what you’d call it. I called myself a “humorist” in the program but that was because my vocabulary is lacking. In a talent show, where does, “Making witty observations while wildly gesticulating in front of a slide show of 19th century underwear” fall? My friend Sonja, who is…

“Because we had sex!”

You know how people like to end their fortune cookies with “in bed”? That’s fun. Gus and I made up, “with a shovel in a mass grave,” to end our fortunes and that was funner. “You will overcome a great challenge (with a shovel in a mass grave.)” But we’ve got a better one now.…

The Festering House is Lanced

  I used to joke with my husband that when I reached a certain level of success in my writing, I wanted help with the housecleaning. Because I have tried for 15 years now, to keep a house. To keep the dirty dishes pile low enough in the sink to allow access to the water…

It FELT like my business

I’m just an utter turd waffle sometimes Yesterday I literally accosted a woman, who did not know me, with details of her own private life that I’d learned through gossip.  One of my friends had a book release yesterday, and I attended with an extremely foggy brain but a pridefully constructed “literary” outfit.  And I…

The Million Views Meh, Staring George Takei

First there was the bed. I picked it out of a catalog and had no idea. It suffers giganticism, but instead of bones and swollen flesh, it was blocks of solid wood and memory foam. The top of the mattress came to my bustline. I’m only 5 foot 2, sure…but that’s still pretty damn high.…