This morning, a producer from BBC Radio 4 emailed me to ask if I wanted to talk on her international immensely popular radio station about a topic I wrote 400 words on, in an article about a year ago. I’d be given an hour to prepare to debate a person who’d written an entire book on…
I remember looking at the clock on the dashboard, and seeing that it was exactly 9:38 in the morning. And I was proud. I’d made it 33 minutes into the trip without wanting to pill-up. My two best friends here in town have my daughter over for sleepovers and play dates often. I seldom reciprocate, because…
I’m just an utter turd waffle sometimes Yesterday I literally accosted a woman, who did not know me, with details of her own private life that I’d learned through gossip. One of my friends had a book release yesterday, and I attended with an extremely foggy brain but a pridefully constructed “literary” outfit. And I…
First there was the bed. I picked it out of a catalog and had no idea. It suffers giganticism, but instead of bones and swollen flesh, it was blocks of solid wood and memory foam. The top of the mattress came to my bustline. I’m only 5 foot 2, sure…but that’s still pretty damn high.…
This is something Fred from 5reads asked me to do. I was honored. Especially cuz the last contributor was Drew Curtis and I read Fark like it was the Bible all through my 20’s.
I was so close. If I could just make it through the evening, I would have gone four days without a Klonopin. A first in over two years. But things were falling apart. Gus was very sick, and his misery made me anxious. I had to do my first solo Girl Scout meeting that night,…
Finally, one of Sedaris’ essays got made into a movie. I was so excited about this. Most people said the movie, C.O.G, was terrible. But that doesn’t mean much. When a book becomes a movie, everyone who loved the book is likely to see it as a gruesome impostor wearing the disguise of…
This is my third day. I haven’t gone more than three days without one in two years. Through most of my 20s, they were an eject button I kept in my purse. If ever the hole in the floor started to open, if ever that nameless terror started to distort me, I could take one,…
Hey! I just realized I’ve achieved my dream life! (The realistic dream, the one without the live in pastry chef). Ask me if I’m happy and content! Go on, ask! I’M NOT! HA! I’m one episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates away from punching windows, not just for the satisfaction of destruction, but in…
Someone once said “Always surround yourself with people who are better than you.” Well congratulations to me, I’ve done that. I am the ghetto-beauty hood rat of everyone I know. And I love it. But. As I’ve mentioned, I have the smallest house, the least money, an utter indifference to the condition of my body,…
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