Ideally, my blog list would greet me each day as sort of a personalized magazine that is all opinion, advice, and humor columns. With a touch of my personal interests (plus size clothing, motherstuff, archaeological exhumations) thrown in.

I’ve searched HUNDREDS of blogs in the past month, trying to build this blog roll of legend. And in this searching I have learned that A). There aren’t nearly enough freaks out there to please me, and B). I Hate a LOT of Blog Titles. Not your blog…your TITLE.

Seriously.

Bad Blogging Words (do not use!)

*I’m excluding words like Mommy and Mama from the list, as those bloggers want to be identified as mommy-bloggers and so it makes sense to say so up front. Also anything “The ____ Family Blog!” because those blogs are usually for grandpas and aunts and not meant for my snooping judgmental eyes anyway.

“BECOMING/FINDING _____”

Maybe cuz you’re dieting, or coming out, or moving out, or doing something else that you think brings you closer to who you really are. Fair enough. But please, have faith, when naming your blog, that the real you is not a big drowsy cliche.

“BLISS”

I made no effort whatsoever to find this picture. I typed “coffee bliss winter” and this came up. THAT’s how cliche it is.

I hate this word. I picture a woman in full make-up, holding an expensive earthen mug hand hewn by Native Americans bought at Williams Sonoma, breathing in the steam of her French Press. Silhouetted by bay window on a snowy scene. None of that is bad, of course. The part that irritates me is how carefully she set that scene before she took a picture. And captioned it BLISS! And then goes back to picking at ingrown hairs while watching Honey Boo Boo. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.

“JUST ME, Your Name Here “

I know, it’s a form of modesty. A friendly shrug to the world, that you’re not here to entertain or impress. But some part of you wants to, or your blog would be in a book under your mattress. I challenge you, find the part of yourself that isn’t “just.” Find the part that deserves a unique title suited just for YOU. Let that be your face to the world.

“SIMPLE/SIMPLY”

SIMPLY ADORABLE DAMMIT!

Multiple meanings. Can be used as another variation of “just,” can also mean, “poor by ‘choice’ and eating creatively vegetarian!” but most often seems to mean, “My life is a magazine shoot and you will envy every single photo I post of my children reaching for snowflakes with their tongues, every tomato I grew from my own garden, and every posed nose nuzzle I give my husband.” SIMPLY BLISS!!!!

“DIVA”

An overwhelming decor of leopard print and pink and woeful credit card interest charges does not a diva make.

Debra Voigt, Diva.

Girl in credit card debt, Not Diva.

“LIFE ACCORDING TO/ AS I SEE IT/AS I KNOW IT”

I would LOVE to read about life as he sees it.

Unless it’s followed by “Garp” or “a bi-sexual super-sized Republican interpretive clown dancer”….total snore-gasm.

Not You.

“MUSINGS”

I can handles “rambles”…that indicates self-knowledge and humility. “Thoughts” is passable, dull but honest. But “musings.” Eck. I press my quill pin to my lips and smooth my Regency-era gown, the tinkling of the stream that runs through father’s estate helps me sort my quandary with Mr. Darcy….bleah.

Now now, I know. There are countless blogs, good blogs, with these words in their titles. Some of you even have one! Well that’s ok! I simply hold that perhaps those good blogs would be great blogs if these offensive words were removed and replaced with a string of words picked at random off a box of granola bars. The “Sat. Fat Honey Oat” blog. You’d read that wouldn’t you? I sure would.