Worst Television Characters. Ever.


*Andrea Zuckerman, Beverly Hills 90210
GAWD. Ok, no one was particularly likable on 90210. But they were charismatic and/or slickly attractive, in their shallow, pinched nose sorta way. But Andrea, man she just had nothing to offer. She should have been the most interesting. Poor, smart, not conventionally pretty…her character should have been hilarious or poignant or something. But no. She was just…eck.  Zuckerman.

* George Costanza
I know the whole point of Seinfeld was that no one was supposed to be that good; that human foible, bad habits, and selfishness fueled the comedy. But Costanza took that over the event horizon. Because EVERYTHING he did was small and sleazy and weak and selfish and angry and blameful. Everything. All the other characters could at least obtain moral neutrality. Not this little anal wart.

* Dr. Beverly Crusher
Maybe if I hadn’t gotten a taste of Dr. Pulanski for a year (a character reminiscent of Maggie Smith’s Dowager Countess) and seen what a female doctor with actual PERSONALITY looked like, I wouldn’t dislike her so much. Was she and Picard supposed to have sexual tension cuz I NEVER picked up on that. Bland, bland, bland.

*D.W. from Arthur.
Seriously, this little sociopathic witch needs an ass whooping like no other kid in all of children’s programming history. She slays joy in any form she finds it. Her selfishness is boundless, hungry,cannibalistic even. Her only friend is imaginary (further evidence of her blossoming mental illness). And the fact that these aardvarks have no SNOUT…ug don’t get me started.

*The Full House Cast
Wait, wait. All right, in truth, DJ didn’t bother me, Stamos only chafed a little, I didn’t notice Stamos’ wife at all, nor the middle sister. But everyone else? First of, Dave Coulier. With his bland Canadian bacon face he’d screw up into unfunny expressions using hideous voices to tell miserable flat jokes. WHY IS HE LIVING THERE ANYWAY? It’s creepy! Michelle, the baby. First of all, god help me for my lookism, but she was a little monkey baby, and a total brat at that. And “You got it dwude!” IS NOT A PUNCHLINE. And finally, the dad…Danny Tanner? Bob Saget creeps the shit out of me. Because he’s NOT sweet. His standup is like, jokes-about-pedophilia – foul. And do you remember him on America’s Funniest Home Videos? Do you remember the hatred simmering behind his eyes at us, the audience, for laughing at his lame jokes? And worst of all, this cast was not funny. NOT FUNNY. Not a one. But America kept laughing. Why god, WHY?

I am open to any defense of these characters. But highly doubt anyone will be rushing up to take the challenge.

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