What a Lady Knows

A kid’s birthday party today, one where I didn’t really know anyone. So I took extra pains, as I have learned is necessary if I don’t want to lay the groundwork as a total outcast and then have to dig myself out.

An outfit both slimming, feminine and casual. (I think. I don’t know. It was mostly black and stretchy so whatever.) Hairspray, which I’m not sure I’m using correctly. I feel like am supposed to do more than brush out tangles before lacquering it all into place. And full make up, which make my skin feel dirty and my eyes itch.

“I’m off to make my usual grand first impression,” I said to Gus, picking up my purse. These things went the same, usually. I would say weird things, sit directly in the middle of everyone facilitating a conversation, then hide another room alone when I got bored/tired. I’d surreptitiously eat stuff that was set out for the children and ask too personal of questions of the adults. Still, I was sort of hoping for a “oh they’ll love you just be your terrific self!” response.

Instead he snapped into an imitation of me, one somewhere between a circus barker and a belligerent drunk.

“SO, WHO HERE HAS BEEN MOLESTED??? Please line up and I’ll suck the sweet marrow from your souls one at a time. Molestees on the left, please. Molesters on the right.”

Thanks, hon. Lies do not become us.

I didn’t learn whether or not anyone was molested. Simply wasn’t enough time nor wine. But!

*The home we were at was bought in foreclosure.

*The birthday boy’s Grandpa will never have enough money to retire but he thinks it’s worth it to have a happy life. His father had a bad attitude about life but he doesn’t.

*Selfridge told his mother what his name would be in a dream while he was still a fetus. But Selfridge lives with his aunt now.

*Ashley works four jobs and rents from her mother. Her boy isn’t allowed to play “the hugging tackle game” with the girls in class anymore.

*Holly home-schools her five children under 8 and flat out wouldn’t let me hold her 5 month old. I guess I still give off creeper vibes no matter what  I wear.

I did hole up by myself, twisting criss-cross applesauce on a couch in the corner. But it’s because I found a book on their shelf from 1960 on how to look and act like a model. That stuff is my crack.

“S” Curve Position

“A lady chooses a hairstyle to flatter the shape of her face. If she has a double chin, she is mindful to keep her chin parallel to the floor. A lady need not draw attention to herself. When sitting, a lady’s posture will assume the shape of a perfect S-curve. A lady does not ask over personal question nor divulge intimate information about herself.”

That’s what a lady does.



22 thoughts on “What a Lady Knows

  1. Bah–I’ve never met a lady in my entire life, then! No wonder women in the fifties drank so much.

    As for the inappropriate discussions and the holing up in random corners–I do all that as well. Nice to have a partner in crime!


  2. Therese, you.kill.me.

    Stretchy and black is my favorite outfit. I carry around a little notebook and write down shit that people say all the time. The hugging tackle game ,and the name revealed by the dream fetus are my favorites here ; )


  3. Once people find out I work in psych I don’t even have to ask the questions… lesson learned? You don’t have to feel awkward just tell them you work in psych and they’ll be lining up to spill it…and you don’t even have to sit like you have a rod up your ass.


  4. This is HYSTERICAL. I’m not quite sure how I missed reading this. I picture you say things with a stoic face at all times, while laughing on the inside by the simple fact that no one else has gotten the joke. Oh my. It takes great skill to actually WRITE in that voice. Mad props.


  5. Oh, this is so funny! Maybe you missed your calling as a reporter. You seem to be able to find out lots of information. You’d be welcome at a party of mine anytime 🙂


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