I’m not saying the kids don’t like these. I’m not saying they’re poorly made or bad for a child’s little brain. I’m just saying that I hate them. I really really hate them.

Dragon Tales
It’s about these two little kids who escape into a fantasy world populated by hideously ugly dragons who are the most unoriginal, obnoxious characters since Barney. Every voice is horrible, screechy and warbly or low and stupid. It’s like each dragon is modeled after the most annoying types of kids on the playground. Anyway, they go there, learn an uninspiring lesson, and go back to their real world. My theory is that it’s a psychological escape mechanism and that while they’re in Dragon Land, they’re actually being beaten. When you watch it that way it’s very disturbing. More so.

Barney
Hey. Fuck you, Barney.

Bratz
You know, I let my kids watch Bob’s Burgers, and Futurama too. There’s fart jokes and boob jokes…I explain them and let her laugh. And also I let her see all the old school “blow someone’s face off with a shotgun” Looney Toones (because they’re freakin’ AWESOME). But I have standards. I have never, ever let my girl watch a Bratz show. Hell, the scriptwriting on that show may be the Shakespeare of the next generation, but I wouldn’t know. Those horrible little prosti-tot skanks are not oozing their syphilitic discharges into my home.

From Deviant Art, Because all the actual Disney ones I put up keep “magically” disappearing.

Pocahontas
I’m sorry. I like Disney features. And I love love love British and American history. But this is the most boring Disney movie of the 90’s. Like, most boring since the 1960’s ‘Herbie the Love Bug’ debacles. And it just doesn’t work…trying to make racially charged, controversial history into a happy movie. Also it’s the same movie as Fern Gully, which I also hate, which is the same movie as Avatar, which, by the way, I also thought was manipulative soul-less crap.

Caillou
Caillou. You bald little whiny-ass, bland, miserable, brainless Canadian turd. I hate you. Everyone hates you. We hate how much you complain in that simpering artificial baby voice. We hate your bland chinless parents and their dumpy shapeless clothing. We hate how they always smile and speak with vacant, submissive patience. We hate how BORING your adventures are with your carefully selected multi-cultural group of playmates. You will grow up Caillou, and you will become more of a monster than you are now. May God have mercy on your soul.