Now, I’m not even counting the seventy or so Disney movies you’ve forgotten ever existed, like Davy Crockett and the River Pirates or Squanto: A Warrior’s Tale. I’m also not touching on those dismal live-action debacles that somehow sustained Disney through the 60’s and 70’s (excluding the masterpieces Escape to Witch Mountain, Freaky Friday, and The Parent Trap, which were genius, perfect, and should never have been remade.) I could go on for pages about how unfulfilling that damn Apple Dumpling Gang or Herbie was. Friday afternoon movies at school were so depressing when it was Herbie related. Almost as bad as those nature movies when African animals stand, sleep, and drink from mud the end.

 No. I’m just focusing on the ones that are “classic!”

Disney’s Fantasia
Prepare yourself for sacrilege. This film nearly has the engrossing plot and thrill of an episode of The Lawrence Welk Show, except the colors aren’t as hallucinogenic. Kids actually sat through this back in the day? I guess it was more entertaining than milking the family cow, although I don’t see how. The only part that sticks is when the brooms keep multiplying and become murderous. And I kind of wish I could forget that.

Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins is good, yes. When it is good. But there are HUGE swaths of the film that are unconscionably boring. What’s the deal with the Bird Lady? The good parts will stick with you forever, and the songs, damn they’re good. And Julie Andrews is so freakishly beautiful it’s hard to look directly at her. But none of that excuses how long we have so spend with all those old geezers at the bank being funny in a way that makes no sense to children and is utter cheese for grown ups.

Sleeping Beauty
I can’t really blame them. I mean…how do you sustain a feature length film when the biggest plot point is that the heroine is asleep? The fairies were cute, true dat. But everything else was forest dancing and old men drinking. Bleah.

Bambi
So tell me. Here are five things that happened in Bambi. Bambi, one the oldest, most beloved of all Disney films. Bambi’s mother is shot, Thumper and Flower say one diabetic line each (“if ya can’t say nuthin’ nice”…and…”you can call me Flower, if ya want to”), some fire, and Bambi’s dad is an important buck or something. Now..what else happened in Bambi? Can you remember ANY other scenes? Well there is a lot of frolicking. That’s it. I hate frolicking.

Not Disney I know…Disney keeps disappearing. This is close enough.

The Sword in the Stone/The Black Cauldron
I’m not sure these count as overrated because I don’t hear much clamoring  for them. But they’re on the list because I cannot distinguish between the two. I have pictures of Dark Ages skinny boys and kooky wizards and castles and I have no idea what belongs where. I do remember both were really boring.